14-On days like these and how I try to get back on track
So before you start reading what’s below I have to tell you that I wrote this post back at the end of May in preparation for my June post. I took a pause from posting because I heard so many different versions of what you should and should not do on your website and I chickened out from sharing my story with you till now. I actually believe, today, that it’s ok to go ahead because if I don’t risk anything I will get nothing back and it’s not like I am trying to sell you a villa in the south of France. I could have deleted the post but re-reading it made me think that it might be interesting for you to know that I really am a person with thoughts and feelings and not a bot.
So please read on, if you feel like it, and I will hopefully keep posting more interesting things from here on.
My thoughts back in May
You wake up, the sky is bright blue for a change, normally grey, and low and behold, instead of being elated you stare out the window and start wondering.
I should be wondering what this wonderful day is going to bring, but I begin to wonder, what am I doing with my life. Why am I standing here in a room full of canvasses and brushes and tubes of paint? Why am I not down on the beach?
I wreck my own head. I do nothing constructive that day in the studio. I tend to drop everything and go for a walk. I sleep on those thoughts for days and weeks until thoughts like these come to mind.
I do love people and interacting with them but in a very quiet way. I am beginning to question where this need is coming from, to be quiet. I like being an observer of fun and noise and excitement but I only want to be an observer, not a big part of it.
Who needs my art, can’t everyone do their own? Aren’t people sick of hearing other peoples stories? Am I a time waster? What is my contribution to this thing called life, the world, planet earth? I search desperately in my head for a reason, I write these thoughts on a page in the hope that I will have a eureka moment, I slow down on the keyboard, I speed up, oh quick there’s a thought, must get it down just in case it might reveal something. But no I come to a full stop.
.
.
Full
Stop
So I tell myself FULL could mean a life full of great paintings.
And then I tell myself STOP, you must be kidding yourself.
I look out the window, I pause, I take a sip of tea, I look out the window again, I pause again, I sip my tea again, and nothing happens.
Dreading the thoughts that might try to take over, I try to block them out just in case they tell me to give it all up. They say things to me like, who would want what you do? Why do you bother when others are better than you? Why don’t you go and get a proper job?
So I ask myself again, why am I doing it? And the only reason I can come up with is because when I am doing it I feel something deep within me that says, hey girl, you are enjoying this keep going. I have tried working in offices, hotels, minding kids, travelling for work, working in shops, minding sick people, selling door to door, volunteering and yet nothing gives me more joy and satisfaction than painting in the abstract form.
I know that this feeling will come back again and again and I will battle with myself but what else can I do only to be true to myself.
There must be a reason for it even if I don’t know what it is. It just feels right because when I am NOT doing it I always feel something is missing.
Do you ever feel this?
